Tonight I watched a few videos documenting some of my Jacquelyn’s firsts – her first bath, her first swim lesson, her first time eating baby cereal. I watched with an ache in my chest and bawled the entire time.
When I was pregnant I received words of wisdom from everyone but I can’t seem to recall anyone ever telling me how painful being a mother can be, how overwhelmingly bittersweet it is. This chapter in my life is both exhilarating and heart-wrenching, a constant mix of conflicting emotions. Every milestone brings pride to my being but at the same time tears at my soul. My precious girl is thriving but she’s leaving her sweet babyness behind, so many moments to collect in my mind.
My daughter is only 10 months-old but already I feel as if I have a lifetime of memories of her. And I guess I do — her lifetime. There is so much I already yearn for.
I miss my tiny baby with the puffy, swollen cheeks, the dark, sparse hair and the hazy, unfocused eyes. I miss her unsteady head and the way she held it to one side. I miss her bulging hernia belly button and the sweet blotches on her face. I miss all the imperfections she had as a newborn. I miss the newness of those first few weeks after she came home.
A dear friend of mine recently had a baby. When speaking to her about what she was experiencing I felt a sense of envy. I coveted those raw, hormonal, manic feelings she was going through, I wanted to feel those very same overwhelming emotions that scared me in the moment but brought me back to the days of having a newborn of my own.
My beautiful girl brings joy to my soul each moment of every day. I anticipate with delighted excitement every new expression she makes and I am thrilled beyond words when another personality trait is displayed — but it goes by too quickly, and that’s what hurts the most.
Father Time, please slow down, so this mother and all mother’s can enjoy these precious moments just a little longer. Motherhood softens the heart and breaks it again and again.
Reminder: The winner of the Sprinkles gift card will be announced today on the Yay Baby Facebook page. Be sure to “Like” it and see if it’s you!